Will and I have been blessed to be attending some marriage counseling for the past 6 weeks. Think of it as preventative maintenance as opposed to emergency intervention. One of the benefits of being on associate staff with the Navigators is access to their People Resource Team, or PRT for short. I think both Will and I would say that it is the highlight of our week because we always walk away challenged to know, serve, and love each other more like Christ. Our counselors, Dave and Jill, are a married couple who have helped us open up some new lines of communication during these very intense medical and spiritual circumstances.
In our last session we ended by praying only in thanksgivings. By spending time praising God for the things we are thankful for in our lives, without asking for anything from Him, it begins to become clear how much we are blessed.
That’s what I want to do today. Here is my prayer, will you join me in praising God for all the blessings in your own life?
Thank you Father for an amazing husband who loves me, who has been on this journey with me every step of the way, a son to brighten my day, for his handsome smile, and loving kisses, my mom for talking to me on the phone nearly every day and my dad for sharing some real spiritual conversations, for neighbors who are willing to just hang out, for the miracle of my new niece to be born in the next few weeks, for medicine that keeps me stabilized, for income that allows me to stay home each day, for Will getting a break from work today, for Will’s time in prayer yesterday, for my time in the wilderness, for the beauty of the mountains out my windows, for the lessons the Lord has been teaching me daily, for delight in the truth of God’s Word, for the blessing of not knowing what comes next, for the doctors who are treating me, for the PRT team and their great wealth of godly wisdom that they share with us, For the examples of others we have seen in times of suffering while here in Colorado, That my Lord is in control and that this process is for my good, for the friendship of Vern and Janell, for nearly 5 years of marriage, for provision to give to the ApParent project, that we can approach the Lord in prayer, that prayer is pure delight, for all these things, and more I say Thank you Father! Amen.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wit's End
This poem exemplifies how I have felt lately. It is taken from Psalm 107:27,28 “At their wit’s end they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He bringeth them out.”
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is just where God’s power is shown.
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it
You cannot endure the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is where Jesus loves to come.
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?
Your work before you spread,
All lying before you, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
The Burden-bearer stands.
Are you standing at “Wit’s end Corner”?
Then you’re just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who faileth not.
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is the “God who is able” proved.
-Antoinette Wilson
I started my hormonal birth control pill every night to try to control the hormonal imbalances from the polycystic ovary syndrome, and in hopes that it would relieve some of the headache. I have been on them for about a week now. My headaches might be lightening up slightly, but it is hard to tell. Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, my body has reacted negatively to the extra dose of hormones. In fact it feels like I am in the first trimester of pregnancy (but there is absolutely no way I am pregnant!). I find myself nauseated all day long. My stomach cramps up just like it did when I was pregnant with Caleb. I am falling asleep all over the place. We are praying that my body will adjust, because I really need to stay on these pills for at least one cycle to see if my headache is hormonally related.
So, you can see why I feel like I am at my Wit’s end. I have a throbbing headache all day, I am nauseous all day, I am often falling asleep at the wrong times, I still have odd anxiety related symptoms like light chest pains and trembling hands and lips, and I think I am developing TMJ. I am on Vicodin half the day so I cannot drive myself anywhere, and I have mood swings that we are unable to pinpoint the cause of because it could be side effects of about 5 medicines, or brain chemistry, or hormones.
I posted the poem first today before the medical update, because it is really important for me right now to keep perspective. As I read through the psalms I am daily confronted with David’s full reliance on God despite circumstance. I might be at Wit’s End, but I will rely on God. My circumstances do not change the Truth of God’s word or my confidence, hope, or trust in God’s deliverance and salvation of His people.
That being said, please pray for God’s greatest Glory to be shown through my life, and my family’s, even in the midst these crazy circumstances.
All my love
Teresa
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is just where God’s power is shown.
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it
You cannot endure the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is where Jesus loves to come.
Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?
Your work before you spread,
All lying before you, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
The Burden-bearer stands.
Are you standing at “Wit’s end Corner”?
Then you’re just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who faileth not.
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is the “God who is able” proved.
-Antoinette Wilson
I started my hormonal birth control pill every night to try to control the hormonal imbalances from the polycystic ovary syndrome, and in hopes that it would relieve some of the headache. I have been on them for about a week now. My headaches might be lightening up slightly, but it is hard to tell. Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, my body has reacted negatively to the extra dose of hormones. In fact it feels like I am in the first trimester of pregnancy (but there is absolutely no way I am pregnant!). I find myself nauseated all day long. My stomach cramps up just like it did when I was pregnant with Caleb. I am falling asleep all over the place. We are praying that my body will adjust, because I really need to stay on these pills for at least one cycle to see if my headache is hormonally related.
So, you can see why I feel like I am at my Wit’s end. I have a throbbing headache all day, I am nauseous all day, I am often falling asleep at the wrong times, I still have odd anxiety related symptoms like light chest pains and trembling hands and lips, and I think I am developing TMJ. I am on Vicodin half the day so I cannot drive myself anywhere, and I have mood swings that we are unable to pinpoint the cause of because it could be side effects of about 5 medicines, or brain chemistry, or hormones.
I posted the poem first today before the medical update, because it is really important for me right now to keep perspective. As I read through the psalms I am daily confronted with David’s full reliance on God despite circumstance. I might be at Wit’s End, but I will rely on God. My circumstances do not change the Truth of God’s word or my confidence, hope, or trust in God’s deliverance and salvation of His people.
That being said, please pray for God’s greatest Glory to be shown through my life, and my family’s, even in the midst these crazy circumstances.
All my love
Teresa
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Delight
Well it has been a little while since my last post. I have been doing a lot of talking with God lately. There are many things I would like to share here, and too little space, and I am sure, a lot of it is just too much info for a lot of you!
So let’s start here… My headaches persist. If possible they are even worst. I am still convinced that the medical and the spiritual are connected here. That is not to say that I will have this headache until God is done with whatever he is doing or vice versa, but there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord is ultimately in control of this headache. I will see a neurologist on June 1st.
A Verse was pointed out to me the other day by our friend Mike. The more I read it and meditate on it the more it applies to me. It is found in Hosea 2:14-15 “Therefore, behold, I(God) will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Troubling to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth…”
How Beautiful! The Lord has brought me into the wilderness of this sickness. I am unable to listen to or be distracted by the things of life that usually keep me from listening to Him. And he has spoken softly to me day to day about the deep issues and longings of my heart. He has provided healing and freedom, and we are just now venturing into some other areas to do the same. It is often painful for me to see the state of my own heart, but there is the Lord alluring me back to Him with the beauty of His grace and never a harsh word. I am so thankful to be in the wilderness, I hope and pray that all my dear friends will have a time where the Lord brings them here as well. It is not comfortable, but it is beyond compare to anything else I have experienced with my savior. It is sweet, even if it is painful.
One of the devotionals lately was speaking of the necessity of cloudy days. They water the ground below, and without them the land would be barren. In a believers life we often moan and cry when the clouds come, when the gray days of mundane activities, or some sort of trial or suffering come our way. I thought it was rather cute that the author comments, “If only we could see the cloud from the other side”. The original print date of the devotional was 1925, so there is a good chance that perhaps she never had seen the clouds from the other side! But her point holds, they reflect all the sun, all the glory back into the heavens. If we can see our cloudy days from the throne room of heaven we would see beauty! I stopped to think about this for awhile, and how exactly God would see beauty in my situation. My day consists of getting up and popping a handful of pills, doing a quiet time, feeding my son, spending the next 4 hours on the couch while my son plays, feeding lunch and taking more pills, more couch time, making dinner, more pills, bedtime. Not very glamorous! The meds keep me from driving anywhere and the headache keeps me from reading for any period longer than an hour. So where is the beauty?
I know where it is, and Will reminded me, and the Lord reminded and our friend Mike reminded me… it is not in my circumstance, it is the posture of my heart. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that my will is not my own. This is big, because I would have said it before and thought I meant it, but I was holding on to many things. Remember Jesus in the Garden before the guards came to arrest Him? He prayed to the His Father “If it is possible, let this cup pass away from Me; nevertheless not what I will [not what I desire], but as You will and desire.”Matt 26:39 This is Beauty!!! I am not the son of God OBVIOUSLY! And my little trial and suffering is no where near the magnitude of salvation for believers!!!!! But, my pray these days has become, “Lord if there is any possible way to do this without the pain of the headache and still have your greatest glory then let’s do that; but above all else I want your greatest glory to be shown, and if that means a headache for the rest of my earthly life then I’ll take it!” That’s the beauty of the other side of the clouds!
I WILL delight in my Lord all the days of my life, despite pain and hard circumstance, because I know I can trust Him, and I know he will change my valley of trouble to a door of hope and expectation. I used to study His word for hours a week (and when I would tell people that I would have a little prickly of pride inside) but it had become an idol, these past months He has torn it down stone by stone, and I now delight in His word morning after morning. What a difference! I am forever changed by my time in the wilderness, and we are not done yet! I would follow my savior to the ends of the earth, not out of duty or obedience, but out of delight because HE has my heart.
All my Love
Teresa
So let’s start here… My headaches persist. If possible they are even worst. I am still convinced that the medical and the spiritual are connected here. That is not to say that I will have this headache until God is done with whatever he is doing or vice versa, but there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord is ultimately in control of this headache. I will see a neurologist on June 1st.
A Verse was pointed out to me the other day by our friend Mike. The more I read it and meditate on it the more it applies to me. It is found in Hosea 2:14-15 “Therefore, behold, I(God) will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Troubling to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth…”
How Beautiful! The Lord has brought me into the wilderness of this sickness. I am unable to listen to or be distracted by the things of life that usually keep me from listening to Him. And he has spoken softly to me day to day about the deep issues and longings of my heart. He has provided healing and freedom, and we are just now venturing into some other areas to do the same. It is often painful for me to see the state of my own heart, but there is the Lord alluring me back to Him with the beauty of His grace and never a harsh word. I am so thankful to be in the wilderness, I hope and pray that all my dear friends will have a time where the Lord brings them here as well. It is not comfortable, but it is beyond compare to anything else I have experienced with my savior. It is sweet, even if it is painful.
One of the devotionals lately was speaking of the necessity of cloudy days. They water the ground below, and without them the land would be barren. In a believers life we often moan and cry when the clouds come, when the gray days of mundane activities, or some sort of trial or suffering come our way. I thought it was rather cute that the author comments, “If only we could see the cloud from the other side”. The original print date of the devotional was 1925, so there is a good chance that perhaps she never had seen the clouds from the other side! But her point holds, they reflect all the sun, all the glory back into the heavens. If we can see our cloudy days from the throne room of heaven we would see beauty! I stopped to think about this for awhile, and how exactly God would see beauty in my situation. My day consists of getting up and popping a handful of pills, doing a quiet time, feeding my son, spending the next 4 hours on the couch while my son plays, feeding lunch and taking more pills, more couch time, making dinner, more pills, bedtime. Not very glamorous! The meds keep me from driving anywhere and the headache keeps me from reading for any period longer than an hour. So where is the beauty?
I know where it is, and Will reminded me, and the Lord reminded and our friend Mike reminded me… it is not in my circumstance, it is the posture of my heart. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that my will is not my own. This is big, because I would have said it before and thought I meant it, but I was holding on to many things. Remember Jesus in the Garden before the guards came to arrest Him? He prayed to the His Father “If it is possible, let this cup pass away from Me; nevertheless not what I will [not what I desire], but as You will and desire.”Matt 26:39 This is Beauty!!! I am not the son of God OBVIOUSLY! And my little trial and suffering is no where near the magnitude of salvation for believers!!!!! But, my pray these days has become, “Lord if there is any possible way to do this without the pain of the headache and still have your greatest glory then let’s do that; but above all else I want your greatest glory to be shown, and if that means a headache for the rest of my earthly life then I’ll take it!” That’s the beauty of the other side of the clouds!
I WILL delight in my Lord all the days of my life, despite pain and hard circumstance, because I know I can trust Him, and I know he will change my valley of trouble to a door of hope and expectation. I used to study His word for hours a week (and when I would tell people that I would have a little prickly of pride inside) but it had become an idol, these past months He has torn it down stone by stone, and I now delight in His word morning after morning. What a difference! I am forever changed by my time in the wilderness, and we are not done yet! I would follow my savior to the ends of the earth, not out of duty or obedience, but out of delight because HE has my heart.
All my Love
Teresa
Friday, April 30, 2010
Medical update
Today is just a quick note to update you on some medical stuff. I headed to the Doctor on Wednesday to address the increasing headaches. He increased my nightly headache regulator medicine (called Topamax). He gave me a prescription for Vicodin, which thus far has had no effect on me whatsoever, and lastly he gave me a referral to a neurologist. My OB/GYN has written the prescription for the birth control pills which will eliminate any hormonal imbalances that might be contributing to the migraines.
Please keep praying for some relief, and ultimately that we get to the root of the problem. I am still convinced that there is a spiritual side to all of this, and so I am earnestly in pray for God's will to be done, and His greatest glory to be shown.
Much Love
T
Please keep praying for some relief, and ultimately that we get to the root of the problem. I am still convinced that there is a spiritual side to all of this, and so I am earnestly in pray for God's will to be done, and His greatest glory to be shown.
Much Love
T
Monday, April 26, 2010
Shining is Always Costly
Good morning all! It has been over a week since I wrote my last post. Usually when I write something about things God is teaching me I am well into the process of learning it! Well God surprised me this time (I don’t know why I should be surprised though… He’s God!), and the lesson from my last post was brought up over and over in the last week in many different forms. When I least expected it God would reveal another aspect of what it meant to trust him fully.
For example, we were at the Salter’s house for dinner, and there was a devotional book sitting on the table. Will opened it to the days date, and read it, knew it was not meant for him, and quickly handed it to me. There it was, clear as day, God pointed out the lie that I believe that makes me not trust completely. I make planning an Idol. When there are idols in our lives, we are unable to fully obey the first commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength”. When my mind is busy planning all future possibilities, I am unable to hear the Lord’s voice.
The Spirit has confronted me over and over through the psalms about my worrying over what the future holds. I realized that if I go to the Lord in Prayer about a circumstance and walk away still anxious, I have not really exercised trust. If I have trusted I will have laid it at his feet and be able to walk away in peace that the Lord is in control, and no matter how it turns out, it is to His glory.
Will and I stopped by this giant Christian bookstore on Monday. I am not usually one to decorate with outright Christian artwork. But we were walking through the home décor area anyway. As I turned a corner I came face to face with an oil painting that took my breath away. It was Jesus in the desert, sitting down with his head on his knees. The sky above him had a sunset in the far background, but a dark cloud over Him. The scripture reference was to Hebrews 4:15 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have shared feelings with our weaknesses and infirmities and liabilities to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.” I was in tears as I stood before this painting. My savior knows my pain. He has been in darkness, in isolation, and felt loneliness on this earth, and it was for His good , and part of the defeat of evil. He spent His time in prayer, seeking intimacy with His Father, should I not do the same?
Also this week I got the results from a Uterine Biopsy. All was clear, so I am very thankful for that. On the flip side, my headache seems to be getting worst again. There is not a point in the day when I do not have a headache. What was once subsiding slowly is coming back with vengeance. To be honest I am not sure how to proceed from here. I am praying fervently for some relief, and yet for God’s greatest glory. I have often thought that once I am healed I will be a great testimony for God’s grace and providential mercy in our lives. But I ran across this in my QT this morning…
“Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing our greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service. When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed by pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.
Many want the glory without the cross, the shining without the burning, but crucifixion comes before coronation.”
I don’t know how this works. I don’t know how I am shining in my current state of constant headache. But I do know that it is not me who gives off the aroma of Christ, but it is Christ in me. And if I believe Galatians 2:20 as I do (I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me) then I expect no less than God’s glory to shine brightly through my sufferings.
Please pray for our little family… a few things to keep in mind…
1- Wisdom for interactions with Doctors and with medications
2- That the headaches would subside
3- That William would be given an extra amount of strength as he cares for me and Caleb
4- That we would all grow more intimate with our Savior through the process
Much Love- Teresa
For example, we were at the Salter’s house for dinner, and there was a devotional book sitting on the table. Will opened it to the days date, and read it, knew it was not meant for him, and quickly handed it to me. There it was, clear as day, God pointed out the lie that I believe that makes me not trust completely. I make planning an Idol. When there are idols in our lives, we are unable to fully obey the first commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength”. When my mind is busy planning all future possibilities, I am unable to hear the Lord’s voice.
The Spirit has confronted me over and over through the psalms about my worrying over what the future holds. I realized that if I go to the Lord in Prayer about a circumstance and walk away still anxious, I have not really exercised trust. If I have trusted I will have laid it at his feet and be able to walk away in peace that the Lord is in control, and no matter how it turns out, it is to His glory.
Will and I stopped by this giant Christian bookstore on Monday. I am not usually one to decorate with outright Christian artwork. But we were walking through the home décor area anyway. As I turned a corner I came face to face with an oil painting that took my breath away. It was Jesus in the desert, sitting down with his head on his knees. The sky above him had a sunset in the far background, but a dark cloud over Him. The scripture reference was to Hebrews 4:15 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have shared feelings with our weaknesses and infirmities and liabilities to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.” I was in tears as I stood before this painting. My savior knows my pain. He has been in darkness, in isolation, and felt loneliness on this earth, and it was for His good , and part of the defeat of evil. He spent His time in prayer, seeking intimacy with His Father, should I not do the same?
Also this week I got the results from a Uterine Biopsy. All was clear, so I am very thankful for that. On the flip side, my headache seems to be getting worst again. There is not a point in the day when I do not have a headache. What was once subsiding slowly is coming back with vengeance. To be honest I am not sure how to proceed from here. I am praying fervently for some relief, and yet for God’s greatest glory. I have often thought that once I am healed I will be a great testimony for God’s grace and providential mercy in our lives. But I ran across this in my QT this morning…
“Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing our greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service. When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed by pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.
Many want the glory without the cross, the shining without the burning, but crucifixion comes before coronation.”
I don’t know how this works. I don’t know how I am shining in my current state of constant headache. But I do know that it is not me who gives off the aroma of Christ, but it is Christ in me. And if I believe Galatians 2:20 as I do (I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me) then I expect no less than God’s glory to shine brightly through my sufferings.
Please pray for our little family… a few things to keep in mind…
1- Wisdom for interactions with Doctors and with medications
2- That the headaches would subside
3- That William would be given an extra amount of strength as he cares for me and Caleb
4- That we would all grow more intimate with our Savior through the process
Much Love- Teresa
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sailing with Sealed Orders
I thought this morning I would share one of the larger lessons that I am learning through this process. As I have said before, I believe that the Lord has allowed this time of affliction in my life for my good. I cannot point to a specific reason why, but I can say that He is working on things in my life that I did not even know were there, and I am so thankful. I have spent most of my time in the Word in the Psalms and Proverbs, and then in the devotional I introduced awhile back called Streams in the Desert.
One day all my readings seemed to line up with the theme of waiting. The devotional was speaking of how the Lord will often use times like this to make us wait on our calling because there are either lessons to be learned or it is not yet God’s timing. I immediately took this as a moment of Hope and thanked God that I might in fact be in a pattern of holding. BUT, I added to that prayer that if only God would let me know what it was I was holding for. A baby? Adopting a baby? Writing a book? I spoke with Will about it and how excited I would be if God would just let me know, and that I thought I would ask Him. I knew He most likely would not tell me, but I would ask anyway. Nothing too bad yet, right?
The next morning as I sat in prayer and read through God’s word and the devotional I found this paragraph:
“By faith Abraham, when He was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed.” (Hebrews 11:8)
Where he went, he knew not; it was enough for him to know that he went with God. He leant not so much on the promises as on the Promiser. He looked not on the difficulties of his lot, but on the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, who had deigned to appoint his course, and would certainly vindicate Himself. O glorious faith! This is thy work, these are thy possibilities; contentment to sail with sealed orders, because of an unwavering confidence in the wisdom of the Lord High Admiral; a willinghood to rise up, leave all and follow Christ, because of the glad assurance that earth’s best cannot bear comparison to Heaven’s least. –F.B.M.
Did you get that?? Contentment to sail with sealed orders? I can say that I am willing, if I have to, to sail with sealed orders … but contentment? Just the day before I had displayed that I was not content to do this! If you know me well, you know that I research each available possibility for the future. I go out of my way to know all information ahead of time. I have told myself for years that this is part of my personality. But is it really? As we awaited our next military assignment, I checked the assignment portal (or asked Will to) several times a day. I have looked at every possible rental house in the Belleville area, even though we do not move for months. I cannot tell you how many times I have said to Will, "If only God would just tell me if we will ever have more kids!" You see, I can trust that God has His best for me. That’s not my struggle. It is that I want to know ahead of time what that best is.
That brings us back to contentment…realizing that God has provided everything that I need for my present happiness. In 1 Timothy 6:6-8 “Godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and obviously we can take nothing out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content and satisfied.”
So here is my lesson. Trusting God is more than knowing he has the best for me, it is resting in it enough to be content with where I am today. (anyone else seeing the connection here between discontentment, and anxiousness?) This is not easy for me. In fact it will take an act of the Holy Spirit to change my heart, to teach me to lean not on the promise, but on the Promiser. And in case you are wondering, at times God does reveal future plans to us, but it is in His timing and to His glory alone. Please pray with me as I learn to trust, and learn to be content day by day with the provisions of the Lord.
Much Love -T
One day all my readings seemed to line up with the theme of waiting. The devotional was speaking of how the Lord will often use times like this to make us wait on our calling because there are either lessons to be learned or it is not yet God’s timing. I immediately took this as a moment of Hope and thanked God that I might in fact be in a pattern of holding. BUT, I added to that prayer that if only God would let me know what it was I was holding for. A baby? Adopting a baby? Writing a book? I spoke with Will about it and how excited I would be if God would just let me know, and that I thought I would ask Him. I knew He most likely would not tell me, but I would ask anyway. Nothing too bad yet, right?
The next morning as I sat in prayer and read through God’s word and the devotional I found this paragraph:
“By faith Abraham, when He was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed.” (Hebrews 11:8)
Where he went, he knew not; it was enough for him to know that he went with God. He leant not so much on the promises as on the Promiser. He looked not on the difficulties of his lot, but on the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, who had deigned to appoint his course, and would certainly vindicate Himself. O glorious faith! This is thy work, these are thy possibilities; contentment to sail with sealed orders, because of an unwavering confidence in the wisdom of the Lord High Admiral; a willinghood to rise up, leave all and follow Christ, because of the glad assurance that earth’s best cannot bear comparison to Heaven’s least. –F.B.M.
Did you get that?? Contentment to sail with sealed orders? I can say that I am willing, if I have to, to sail with sealed orders … but contentment? Just the day before I had displayed that I was not content to do this! If you know me well, you know that I research each available possibility for the future. I go out of my way to know all information ahead of time. I have told myself for years that this is part of my personality. But is it really? As we awaited our next military assignment, I checked the assignment portal (or asked Will to) several times a day. I have looked at every possible rental house in the Belleville area, even though we do not move for months. I cannot tell you how many times I have said to Will, "If only God would just tell me if we will ever have more kids!" You see, I can trust that God has His best for me. That’s not my struggle. It is that I want to know ahead of time what that best is.
That brings us back to contentment…realizing that God has provided everything that I need for my present happiness. In 1 Timothy 6:6-8 “Godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and obviously we can take nothing out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content and satisfied.”
So here is my lesson. Trusting God is more than knowing he has the best for me, it is resting in it enough to be content with where I am today. (anyone else seeing the connection here between discontentment, and anxiousness?) This is not easy for me. In fact it will take an act of the Holy Spirit to change my heart, to teach me to lean not on the promise, but on the Promiser. And in case you are wondering, at times God does reveal future plans to us, but it is in His timing and to His glory alone. Please pray with me as I learn to trust, and learn to be content day by day with the provisions of the Lord.
Much Love -T
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Good Company
I am so blessed in the midst of this whole thing to be in good company! There are many of you out there who have had similar experiences and have given words of encouragement and wisdom. I am forever grateful! It seems this Anxiety/depression phenomenon is more widespread than I realized. A few years back this fabulous preacher in Texas, Tommy Nelson, went through the same thing. He was later interviewed by Family Life Canada about the whole ordeal. It has been great to hear such a wise man (that Will and I often listen to online), share the same struggles and thoughts that I have had in the past few months. Interestingly, in older times this imbalance of brain chemistry was referred to as Melancholy. Obviously they didn’t know it was brain chemistry at the time, but they were aware that it was more than simply a negative mood or inadequate coping behaviors… they knew there was something medically wrong. And again I find myself in good company with the likes of Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, Lord Tennyson, Sir Isaac Newton, and Charlotte Bronte.
Why do I share all this today? Well, I was feeling very thankful this morning as I dropped Caleb off at preschool and headed to Starbucks by myself to read. This is one of my favorite past times and I have not done it since 2009. That’s right; nearly 3.5 months of not doing one of your favorite things… and today I got to do it. It shows how far I have come since January. I thought to myself, “There have been so many who have gone before me in disorder, and they have survived and paved the way, I will do the same!”
My reading today brought me to 2 Corinthians 12, a very fitting chapter for sure! Paul has been given what he calls a “Thorn in his side”. He begs the Lord to take it away, and here is the response… vs. 9-10 (This is in the amplified so it is a bit wordy)
“But He said to me, ‘My Grace (My favor and loving-kindness, and mercy) is enough for you (Sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully); for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and complete) and show themselves most effective in your weakness.’
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
So for the sake of Christ, I am pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak (in human strength) then I am truly strong (able, powerful in divine strength).”
How incredible is that?
Here is what A.B. Simpson wrote about it:
“Here is the secret of divine all-sufficiency, to come to the end of everything in ourselves and in our circumstances. When we reach this place, we will stop asking for sympathy because of our hard situation or bad treatment, for we will recognize these things as the very conditions of our blessing, and we will turn from them to God and find in them a claim upon Him.”
So where are you dear reader? I know where I am! I have nothing left to give or to manipulate in my circumstance. My hands are off and are instead turned heavenward in praise and supplication. What a place to be! Having a “thorn” in your side is not fun, in fact it is often painful, but I can honestly call it a blessing. How about you? Is there a trial, a suffering, a circumstance, a pain, a “thorn” in your life? Are you ready to take pleasure in it as Paul did or call it a blessing as Simpson has? Thoughts to ponder. Love u -T
Why do I share all this today? Well, I was feeling very thankful this morning as I dropped Caleb off at preschool and headed to Starbucks by myself to read. This is one of my favorite past times and I have not done it since 2009. That’s right; nearly 3.5 months of not doing one of your favorite things… and today I got to do it. It shows how far I have come since January. I thought to myself, “There have been so many who have gone before me in disorder, and they have survived and paved the way, I will do the same!”
My reading today brought me to 2 Corinthians 12, a very fitting chapter for sure! Paul has been given what he calls a “Thorn in his side”. He begs the Lord to take it away, and here is the response… vs. 9-10 (This is in the amplified so it is a bit wordy)
“But He said to me, ‘My Grace (My favor and loving-kindness, and mercy) is enough for you (Sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully); for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and complete) and show themselves most effective in your weakness.’
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
So for the sake of Christ, I am pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak (in human strength) then I am truly strong (able, powerful in divine strength).”
How incredible is that?
Here is what A.B. Simpson wrote about it:
“Here is the secret of divine all-sufficiency, to come to the end of everything in ourselves and in our circumstances. When we reach this place, we will stop asking for sympathy because of our hard situation or bad treatment, for we will recognize these things as the very conditions of our blessing, and we will turn from them to God and find in them a claim upon Him.”
So where are you dear reader? I know where I am! I have nothing left to give or to manipulate in my circumstance. My hands are off and are instead turned heavenward in praise and supplication. What a place to be! Having a “thorn” in your side is not fun, in fact it is often painful, but I can honestly call it a blessing. How about you? Is there a trial, a suffering, a circumstance, a pain, a “thorn” in your life? Are you ready to take pleasure in it as Paul did or call it a blessing as Simpson has? Thoughts to ponder. Love u -T
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Great is Your Faithfulness
Well, we have good news on the medical front! The cardiologist has said that my heart is completely healthy. All the palpitations and pain that I was experiencing was completely related to the Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is fabulous news… especially since my chest pain has sent us to the ER 6 times in the past year. (Side note… if u want to get to the top of the triage in the ER say “Chest pain!”) I also saw my internal medicine Doc this morning. We adjusted some meds to try and work on this headache (we are going on 80 days of headache now) and also to try to get me off the anti-anxiety drug and solely on the anti-depressant. He did say that often people with GAD that has been undiagnosed for so long can tend to be resistant to the low level anxiety drugs. SO… there we have it. I will continue to see the Doc and take meds to level out my brain chemistry. Since I am literally wired incorrectly, I will most likely be on meds of some sort for life. On the Fertility front, I had my uterine Biopsy last week, and it will take up to three weeks to get results. From there we are probably looking at some form of hormonal birth control to help the Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and this will also help the headaches. Obviously this will not be a long term cure since the point is to get pregnant! All in all I feel well cared for and I pray daily for the wisdom of my Doctors.
Now on to something else!
One of the very first verses that stuck in my head as the fog of depression and Percocet cleared was perhaps one of the simple truths of the faith. God’s faithfulness, mercy, and compassion to us does not change. It comes from Lamentations 3:22-23. I memorized it years ago in the NIV version, which will sound familiar to many of you:
“Because of the LORD’s great Love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Now I want you to read it in the Amplified Version through verse 25.
“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion and share, says my living being, my inner self; therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him (inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God’s word).”
I cannot tell you the magnitude of this truth. God is faithful to me whether I am serving others, cleaning the house, or taking a handful of pills simply to function that day. I especially love these verses because it reminds me that no matter how bad my yesterday was, my today can be different. As we work to get my meds leveled out, I find that I go in cycles… often feeling the best in the morning, and doing a nose dive in the evenings. This is when my headache will come back in full force, and the feeling of adrenaline rushing through my fingers or legs tends to bother me. But it is OKAY… I reboot over night, and so does the Lord’s compassion and faithfulness to me. What a blessing it is to know that even when I am a mess, the Lord is faithful and stable. I will “hope and wait expectantly” in Him!
“When obstacles and trials seem
Like prison walls to be,
I do the little I can do
And leave the rest to thee.
And when there seems no chance, no change,
From grief can set me free,
Hope finds its strength in helplessness,
And calmly waits for thee.”
-Cowman
Love you guys!
T
Now on to something else!
One of the very first verses that stuck in my head as the fog of depression and Percocet cleared was perhaps one of the simple truths of the faith. God’s faithfulness, mercy, and compassion to us does not change. It comes from Lamentations 3:22-23. I memorized it years ago in the NIV version, which will sound familiar to many of you:
“Because of the LORD’s great Love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Now I want you to read it in the Amplified Version through verse 25.
“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion and share, says my living being, my inner self; therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him (inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God’s word).”
I cannot tell you the magnitude of this truth. God is faithful to me whether I am serving others, cleaning the house, or taking a handful of pills simply to function that day. I especially love these verses because it reminds me that no matter how bad my yesterday was, my today can be different. As we work to get my meds leveled out, I find that I go in cycles… often feeling the best in the morning, and doing a nose dive in the evenings. This is when my headache will come back in full force, and the feeling of adrenaline rushing through my fingers or legs tends to bother me. But it is OKAY… I reboot over night, and so does the Lord’s compassion and faithfulness to me. What a blessing it is to know that even when I am a mess, the Lord is faithful and stable. I will “hope and wait expectantly” in Him!
“When obstacles and trials seem
Like prison walls to be,
I do the little I can do
And leave the rest to thee.
And when there seems no chance, no change,
From grief can set me free,
Hope finds its strength in helplessness,
And calmly waits for thee.”
-Cowman
Love you guys!
T
Friday, April 02, 2010
Christ's Victory
“But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumph (as trophies of Christ’s victory) and through us spreads and makes evident the fragrance and the knowledge of God everywhere, for we are the sweet fragrance of Christ…” II Cor. 2:14-15a
I learned long ago in Sunday school that God gets his greatest glory in using something lowly to defeat something high. He uses someone common like Abraham to establish a great nation, He uses a single poor teenager to carry His son into the world, and He uses common fishermen to take His Gospel to the ends of the earth.
What often seems like a great defeat for God is actually His triumph. Can I explain? For the past two years I would say I have been in a trial, suffering silently as we try to conceive another child. The more recent addition of anxiety and depression magnify the suffering. But oh how sweet the time has been! Hard to understand? Believe me, I know! Maybe these two writings will shed some light better than my own words can.
“If there is a great trial in your life today, do not own it as a defeat, but continue by faith, to claim the victory through Him who is able to make you more than a conqueror, and a glorious victory will soon be apparent. Let us learn that in all the hard places God brings us into, He is making opportunities for us to exercise such faith in Him as will bring about blessed results and greatly glorify His name” - Life of Praise
“Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.
When the great oak is strained in the wind,
The boughs drink in new beauty, and the trunk
Sends down a deeper root on the windward side.
Only the soul that knows the mighty grief
Can know the mighty rapture. Sorrows come
To stretch out spaces in the heart for joy.”
Will and I started this journey over two years ago thinking it was about fertility, and then getting good doctors, and then solving the puzzling mystery of my new symptoms. But it really is about so much more. It is our chance to address some heart level things in our marriage, in our walks with Christ, in our parenting, and ultimately it is about asking the question of whether we will claim Christ’s victory as our own.
Thank you for reading. Sorry it is less about the medical stuff. No fear, the tests are progressing, meds are being adjusted, and when there is something of significance to share, I will share. But, I hope that you find, as we have, that it is less about my body’s malfunctions and more about God’s glory! Love u. T
I learned long ago in Sunday school that God gets his greatest glory in using something lowly to defeat something high. He uses someone common like Abraham to establish a great nation, He uses a single poor teenager to carry His son into the world, and He uses common fishermen to take His Gospel to the ends of the earth.
What often seems like a great defeat for God is actually His triumph. Can I explain? For the past two years I would say I have been in a trial, suffering silently as we try to conceive another child. The more recent addition of anxiety and depression magnify the suffering. But oh how sweet the time has been! Hard to understand? Believe me, I know! Maybe these two writings will shed some light better than my own words can.
“If there is a great trial in your life today, do not own it as a defeat, but continue by faith, to claim the victory through Him who is able to make you more than a conqueror, and a glorious victory will soon be apparent. Let us learn that in all the hard places God brings us into, He is making opportunities for us to exercise such faith in Him as will bring about blessed results and greatly glorify His name” - Life of Praise
“Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.
When the great oak is strained in the wind,
The boughs drink in new beauty, and the trunk
Sends down a deeper root on the windward side.
Only the soul that knows the mighty grief
Can know the mighty rapture. Sorrows come
To stretch out spaces in the heart for joy.”
Will and I started this journey over two years ago thinking it was about fertility, and then getting good doctors, and then solving the puzzling mystery of my new symptoms. But it really is about so much more. It is our chance to address some heart level things in our marriage, in our walks with Christ, in our parenting, and ultimately it is about asking the question of whether we will claim Christ’s victory as our own.
Thank you for reading. Sorry it is less about the medical stuff. No fear, the tests are progressing, meds are being adjusted, and when there is something of significance to share, I will share. But, I hope that you find, as we have, that it is less about my body’s malfunctions and more about God’s glory! Love u. T
Monday, March 29, 2010
A Psalm of David
One of the hallmarks of this anxiety disorder is that negative thoughts about you seem to come like second nature. As a Christian I know that most of these thoughts come from none other than the accuser himself. I experienced some of these thoughts this morning before I even got out of bed. They were lies about me, but they made me angry at Will. I told him I didn’t really like him at the moment, but I wasn’t sure why. Later I was able to identify what that lie was that Satan had whispered in my ear. Will and I read Psalm 143 together over breakfast, and were comforted by David’s words. If David ever suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this would have been the psalm he wrote! I am not the first to be oppressed by Satan’s lies, and I believe this disease allows a stronghold for Satan if not treated correctly. But atlas, God is faithful! How great is God’s word!
Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness.
And enter not into judgment with Your servant, for in Your sight no man living is in himself righteous or justified.
For the enemy has pursued and persecuted my soul, he has crushed my life down to the ground; he has made me to dwell in dark places as those who have long been dead.
Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed and faints within me, wrapped in gloom; my heart within my bosom grows numb.
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings; I ponder the word of Your hands.
I spread forth my hands to You; my soul thirsts after You like a thirsty land for water.
Answer me speedily, O Lord, for my spirit fails; hide not Your face from me, lest I become like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on you do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You.
Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; I flee toYou to hide me.
Teach me to do Your will, for you are my God; let Your good spirit lead me into a level country and into the land of uprightness.
Save my life, O Lord, for Your name’s sake; in Your righteousness, bring my life out of trouble and free me from distress.
And in your mercy and loving-kindness, cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my inner self, for I am Your servant.
Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness.
And enter not into judgment with Your servant, for in Your sight no man living is in himself righteous or justified.
For the enemy has pursued and persecuted my soul, he has crushed my life down to the ground; he has made me to dwell in dark places as those who have long been dead.
Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed and faints within me, wrapped in gloom; my heart within my bosom grows numb.
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your doings; I ponder the word of Your hands.
I spread forth my hands to You; my soul thirsts after You like a thirsty land for water.
Answer me speedily, O Lord, for my spirit fails; hide not Your face from me, lest I become like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on you do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You.
Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; I flee toYou to hide me.
Teach me to do Your will, for you are my God; let Your good spirit lead me into a level country and into the land of uprightness.
Save my life, O Lord, for Your name’s sake; in Your righteousness, bring my life out of trouble and free me from distress.
And in your mercy and loving-kindness, cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my inner self, for I am Your servant.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Victorious Suffering
No I did not give up the blog again. Caleb was feeling a bit under the weather, and therefore so was I.
I am excited to say that I was able to take my heart monitor off about 3 o’clock this morning (yippee!)… no more blinking lights and random beeps! I will see the cardiologist on the 4th of April for my results. Now I have the task of getting the giant blisters (yuk) to heal without scarring.
I have spent some more time in prayer really asking God how all of this in life is connected and what really strikes me is that it is more interconnected than I realized. Life, marriage, kids, health, trusting the Lord… there really is no separating them. We were created ultimately to be spiritual beings (psalm 139) and so when we separate the medical out from that aspect, we are only seeing part of the picture. I feel that I am finally thinking clearly enough (thank you Celexa) to start to process a lot of what has happened over the past two years. If I had to sum it all up… I would have to say… Blessed be the name of the Lord! If you are interested in this prayer process I would love to share more. PLEASE ask!
Here is that second entry from Streams in the Desert that I wanted to share. Enjoy.
I have spent some more time in prayer really asking God how all of this in life is connected and what really strikes me is that it is more interconnected than I realized. Life, marriage, kids, health, trusting the Lord… there really is no separating them. We were created ultimately to be spiritual beings (psalm 139) and so when we separate the medical out from that aspect, we are only seeing part of the picture. I feel that I am finally thinking clearly enough (thank you Celexa) to start to process a lot of what has happened over the past two years. If I had to sum it all up… I would have to say… Blessed be the name of the Lord! If you are interested in this prayer process I would love to share more. PLEASE ask!
Here is that second entry from Streams in the Desert that I wanted to share. Enjoy.
“Out of the spoils won in battle did they dedicate to maintain the house of the Lord.” 1 Chron. 26:27
Physical force is stored in the bowels of the earth, in the coal mines, which came from the fiery heat that burned up great forests in ancient ages; and so spiritual force is stored in the depths of our beings, through the very pain which we cannot understand.
Some day we shall find that the spoils we have won from our trials were just preparing us to become true “Great Hearts” in Pilgrim’s Progress, and to lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trial to the city of the king.
But let us never forget that the source of our helping other people must be victorious suffering. The whining, murmuring pang never does anybody any good.
Paul did not carry a cemetery with him, but a chorus of victorious praise; and the harder the trial, the more he trusted and rejoiced, shouting from the very altar of sacrifice. He said, “Yea, and if I be offered upon the service and sacrifice of your faith, I joy and rejoice with you all.” Lord, help me this day to draw strength from all that comes to me! – Days of Heaven upon Earth
“He placed me in a little cage,
Away from gardens fair;
But I must sing the sweetest songs
Because He placed me there.
Not beat my wings against the cage
If it’s my Maker’s will,
But raise my voice to Heaven’s gate
And sing the louder still!”
Physical force is stored in the bowels of the earth, in the coal mines, which came from the fiery heat that burned up great forests in ancient ages; and so spiritual force is stored in the depths of our beings, through the very pain which we cannot understand.
Some day we shall find that the spoils we have won from our trials were just preparing us to become true “Great Hearts” in Pilgrim’s Progress, and to lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trial to the city of the king.
But let us never forget that the source of our helping other people must be victorious suffering. The whining, murmuring pang never does anybody any good.
Paul did not carry a cemetery with him, but a chorus of victorious praise; and the harder the trial, the more he trusted and rejoiced, shouting from the very altar of sacrifice. He said, “Yea, and if I be offered upon the service and sacrifice of your faith, I joy and rejoice with you all.” Lord, help me this day to draw strength from all that comes to me! – Days of Heaven upon Earth
“He placed me in a little cage,
Away from gardens fair;
But I must sing the sweetest songs
Because He placed me there.
Not beat my wings against the cage
If it’s my Maker’s will,
But raise my voice to Heaven’s gate
And sing the louder still!”
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Desiring The Refiner's Fire
For the next two days I want to quote from the book “Streams In The Desert” by Mrs. Charles Cowman. I’m not trying to flake out on you here, but her writing and understanding of these scriptures is so accurate that I could not say it any better. Much of what she says in this first post is what I continue to hear from the spirit as I listen in Prayer. Enjoy!
“And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mt. Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush… saying… I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt.” Acts 7:30,32,34
God is never in a hurry but spends years with those he expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.
The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair.
Joseph’s was a long trial, and God often has to burn his lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,” but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees his image in the glowing metal. We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, “All things have worked together for good.”
Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a need-be for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance shall surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught to us in the ordeal. God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessing; and if we have the qualities that fit us for the throne, nothing can keep us from it when God’s time has come. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait.
“And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mt. Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush… saying… I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt.” Acts 7:30,32,34
God is never in a hurry but spends years with those he expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.
The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair.
Joseph’s was a long trial, and God often has to burn his lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,” but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees his image in the glowing metal. We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, “All things have worked together for good.”
Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a need-be for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance shall surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught to us in the ordeal. God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessing; and if we have the qualities that fit us for the throne, nothing can keep us from it when God’s time has come. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Radiance of the Rain
Well this blog has once more been abandoned. For good reason. Perhaps over the past few years you have called here or stopped by and heard something along the lines of:
Teresa doesn’t feel good… headaches… infertility… chest pain… going to the ER again… don’t know what’s wrong… sorry we have to pass for health reasons…
Some of you have walked along this road the whole way with us, others have gotten glimpses along the way. But here it is as we currently understand it. I (Any one mind if I just write in the first person?) have something along the lines of generalized anxiety disorder.
In my case, the anxiety is not caused by circumstance, but biology. This means I am wired “incorrectly”, most likely genetically from my one of my parent's blood lines. It means that my body’s “Fight or Flight” response kicks into gear without any stimulus. Imagine if someone screamed that your child had just fallen out a second story window. You would have that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the adrenaline rush, and the instant spring into action. My body does this, only no one yelled anything and no one is in trouble. My symptoms included shaking, nausea, migraines, overwhelming feelings of doom, numbness, chest pain, heart palpitations, panic attacks. At its’ worst I was unable to sleep, carry on conversations, read, cook, balance, etc. It is important to note that anxiety like this is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain, the same imbalance that causes depression. Every time I was having an attack I was losing serotonin. They are two sides of the same coin. By the time I was diagnosed with the anxiety I was already in clinical depression because my serotonin had been depleted. I am currently on a low dose anxiety medicine to keep me leveled out while they use an anti-depressant to ramp up my serotonin levels again. Counseling for coping behaviors comes next.
I am currently finishing up a month’s worth of heart monitoring to make sure the palpitations and chest pain were simply from the anxiety. I have also seen an OB-GYN and have been officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This has long been suspected, but this time all my labs and ultrasounds were very obvious. I go in next week for a uterine biopsy to rule out anything else, and then we will begin treating the PCOS. For those who do not know much about PCOS, there is still the possibility to conceive, it just means that my ovaries produce very small cysts each month because of some hormone imbalances. It is not fully understood, so Docs treat individual symptoms instead of a larger cause.
Phew!! I got all that medical stuff out of the way! Let’s be honest, that stuff is boring, and not my favorite topic. The real reason I share all that is because there is so much more I want to share about the journey! So if you will indulge me for awhile, this blog is going to become the place for words and thought about the place of suffering in a believers life… and more specifically in my life! God does not do things by accident, and while the Doc might say that this is just something biologically wrong with me, I know that it is no less than the very fingerprint of my Lord. I am thankful for it.
I have been through trials, some small and temporary, others lasting a bit longer, but this one surpasses them all. I will use this chance to introduce some amazing poetry that I have found that the Holy Spirit has really used to minister to my soul. I hope u enjoy it as much as I have. This one is inspired from Ezek.34:26 “I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing.”
“The landscape, brown and sere beneath the sun,
Needs but the cloud to lift it into life;
The dews may damp the leaves of tree and flower,
But it requires the cloud-distilled shower
To bring rich verdure to the lifeless life.
“Ah, how like this, the landscape of a life:
Dews of trial fall like incense, rich and sweet;
But bearing little in the crystal tray-
Like nymphs of night, dews lift at break of day
And transient impress leave, like lips that meet.
“But clouds of trials, bearing burdens rare,
Leave in the soul, a moisture settled deep:
Life kindles by the magic law of God;
And where before the thirsty camel trod,
There richest beauties to life’s landscape leap.
Then read thou in each cloud that comes to thee
The words of Paul, in letters large and clear:
So shall those clouds thy soul with blessing feed,
And with a constant trust as thou dost read,
All things work together work for good. Fret not, nor fear!”
-Mrs. Charles Cowman
George Matheson wrote:
“Thou, O Lord, canst transform my thorn into a flower, and I want my thorn transformed into a flower. Job got the sunshine after the rain, but has the rain been all waste? Job wants to know, I want to know, if the shower had nothing to do with the shining. And thou canst tell me- Thy Cross can tell me. Thou hast crowned Thy sorrow. Be this my crown, O Lord. I only triumph in Thee when I have learned the radiance of the rain."
For all of you who actually read this blog, Love you guys. Feel free to ask questions. I am up and about, feeling good most of the time, and taking time to know my savior more and more.
see u tomorrow :)
Teresa
Teresa doesn’t feel good… headaches… infertility… chest pain… going to the ER again… don’t know what’s wrong… sorry we have to pass for health reasons…
Some of you have walked along this road the whole way with us, others have gotten glimpses along the way. But here it is as we currently understand it. I (Any one mind if I just write in the first person?) have something along the lines of generalized anxiety disorder.
In my case, the anxiety is not caused by circumstance, but biology. This means I am wired “incorrectly”, most likely genetically from my one of my parent's blood lines. It means that my body’s “Fight or Flight” response kicks into gear without any stimulus. Imagine if someone screamed that your child had just fallen out a second story window. You would have that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the adrenaline rush, and the instant spring into action. My body does this, only no one yelled anything and no one is in trouble. My symptoms included shaking, nausea, migraines, overwhelming feelings of doom, numbness, chest pain, heart palpitations, panic attacks. At its’ worst I was unable to sleep, carry on conversations, read, cook, balance, etc. It is important to note that anxiety like this is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain, the same imbalance that causes depression. Every time I was having an attack I was losing serotonin. They are two sides of the same coin. By the time I was diagnosed with the anxiety I was already in clinical depression because my serotonin had been depleted. I am currently on a low dose anxiety medicine to keep me leveled out while they use an anti-depressant to ramp up my serotonin levels again. Counseling for coping behaviors comes next.
I am currently finishing up a month’s worth of heart monitoring to make sure the palpitations and chest pain were simply from the anxiety. I have also seen an OB-GYN and have been officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This has long been suspected, but this time all my labs and ultrasounds were very obvious. I go in next week for a uterine biopsy to rule out anything else, and then we will begin treating the PCOS. For those who do not know much about PCOS, there is still the possibility to conceive, it just means that my ovaries produce very small cysts each month because of some hormone imbalances. It is not fully understood, so Docs treat individual symptoms instead of a larger cause.
Phew!! I got all that medical stuff out of the way! Let’s be honest, that stuff is boring, and not my favorite topic. The real reason I share all that is because there is so much more I want to share about the journey! So if you will indulge me for awhile, this blog is going to become the place for words and thought about the place of suffering in a believers life… and more specifically in my life! God does not do things by accident, and while the Doc might say that this is just something biologically wrong with me, I know that it is no less than the very fingerprint of my Lord. I am thankful for it.
I have been through trials, some small and temporary, others lasting a bit longer, but this one surpasses them all. I will use this chance to introduce some amazing poetry that I have found that the Holy Spirit has really used to minister to my soul. I hope u enjoy it as much as I have. This one is inspired from Ezek.34:26 “I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing.”
“The landscape, brown and sere beneath the sun,
Needs but the cloud to lift it into life;
The dews may damp the leaves of tree and flower,
But it requires the cloud-distilled shower
To bring rich verdure to the lifeless life.
“Ah, how like this, the landscape of a life:
Dews of trial fall like incense, rich and sweet;
But bearing little in the crystal tray-
Like nymphs of night, dews lift at break of day
And transient impress leave, like lips that meet.
“But clouds of trials, bearing burdens rare,
Leave in the soul, a moisture settled deep:
Life kindles by the magic law of God;
And where before the thirsty camel trod,
There richest beauties to life’s landscape leap.
Then read thou in each cloud that comes to thee
The words of Paul, in letters large and clear:
So shall those clouds thy soul with blessing feed,
And with a constant trust as thou dost read,
All things work together work for good. Fret not, nor fear!”
-Mrs. Charles Cowman
George Matheson wrote:
“Thou, O Lord, canst transform my thorn into a flower, and I want my thorn transformed into a flower. Job got the sunshine after the rain, but has the rain been all waste? Job wants to know, I want to know, if the shower had nothing to do with the shining. And thou canst tell me- Thy Cross can tell me. Thou hast crowned Thy sorrow. Be this my crown, O Lord. I only triumph in Thee when I have learned the radiance of the rain."
For all of you who actually read this blog, Love you guys. Feel free to ask questions. I am up and about, feeling good most of the time, and taking time to know my savior more and more.
see u tomorrow :)
Teresa
Friday, January 08, 2010
oh goodness... I'm behind again!
You might be thinking to yourself... where did they go? I was doing so well with posting on a regular basis! This time I have an excuse! The cord needed to download our pictures from the camera has gone missing. Let's face it, a blog post with no pictures is just no fun! (can you tell I tend to skip the reading and just look at pictures on other blogs?) We promise to update soon with pictures... to include...
Halloween (yes we are that far behind!)
Will and Caleb's trip to New Orleans
Thanksgiving
2 trips to St. Louis, including my brother's wedding
Caleb's first basketball game
Christmas
Potential next assignments
and just to wet your appetite, here is a pic that I stole from my new sister-in-law's facebook.
Wow, so I have my work cut out for me...
Till then
T
Friday, October 30, 2009
Pumpkin Patch
We took a trip to the local Pumpkin patch... but unfortunately they were out of pumpkins!! We had a good time nonetheless!
T-C-U Frogs!
A few weeks back Will and I got the opportunity to watch TCU play the Air Force Academy. Our friends Josh and Lauren drove down from Denver to join us. It was extremely cold with a windshield of 9 degrees! But it was totally worth it to see my Horned Frogs crush the Falcons!
Friday, October 16, 2009
St. Louis
The majority of our trip was spent in St. Louis. Teresa's brother and fiance live in STL, and her parents, sister, and niece all converged on the condo for a week. Teresa was able to attend her future sister-in-law's bridal shower, as well as her 10 year high school reunion.
This is Teresa's childhood home
This is Teresa's childhood homeCincinnati, OH
Next on our trip was a visit to Will's Aunt Chachi and Uncle Tim. They live in Cincinnati, OH. The weather didn't cooperate, so we spent lots of time inside (Teresa didn't mind because she got to go to IKEA). We sure did enjoy our visit to Skyline chili, Tim's parents' house, and a few lazy days at Casa Thompson.
Dayton, OH
Well, once again I have procrastinated in updating our blog. ooops!
Our most recent trip started off with a visit to Dayton, OH. We spent the night with friends of Will's from Germany. Before Teresa arrived overseas Will was coaching the local swim team. The Darden's two girls, Alaina and Alyssa were both swimmers. They moved back the states before Teresa got a chance to meet them. We had a blast catching up, playing in their awesome backyard, singing karaoke, and making smores.
Our most recent trip started off with a visit to Dayton, OH. We spent the night with friends of Will's from Germany. Before Teresa arrived overseas Will was coaching the local swim team. The Darden's two girls, Alaina and Alyssa were both swimmers. They moved back the states before Teresa got a chance to meet them. We had a blast catching up, playing in their awesome backyard, singing karaoke, and making smores.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Happy Birthday!
Caleb celebrated his third birthday this past July. We had all sorts of ideas for a great birthday party. But the more we thought about it we realized that Caleb only had a few friends his own age. So, he settled for an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. It is a good thing too, because we all got VERY sick with the flu the next day.
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