The Radiance of the Rain

Well this blog has once more been abandoned. For good reason. Perhaps over the past few years you have called here or stopped by and heard something along the lines of:

Teresa doesn’t feel good… headaches… infertility… chest pain… going to the ER again… don’t know what’s wrong… sorry we have to pass for health reasons…

Some of you have walked along this road the whole way with us, others have gotten glimpses along the way. But here it is as we currently understand it. I (Any one mind if I just write in the first person?) have something along the lines of generalized anxiety disorder.

In my case, the anxiety is not caused by circumstance, but biology. This means I am wired “incorrectly”, most likely genetically from my one of my parent's blood lines. It means that my body’s “Fight or Flight” response kicks into gear without any stimulus. Imagine if someone screamed that your child had just fallen out a second story window. You would have that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the adrenaline rush, and the instant spring into action. My body does this, only no one yelled anything and no one is in trouble. My symptoms included shaking, nausea, migraines, overwhelming feelings of doom, numbness, chest pain, heart palpitations, panic attacks. At its’ worst I was unable to sleep, carry on conversations, read, cook, balance, etc. It is important to note that anxiety like this is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain, the same imbalance that causes depression. Every time I was having an attack I was losing serotonin. They are two sides of the same coin. By the time I was diagnosed with the anxiety I was already in clinical depression because my serotonin had been depleted. I am currently on a low dose anxiety medicine to keep me leveled out while they use an anti-depressant to ramp up my serotonin levels again. Counseling for coping behaviors comes next.

I am currently finishing up a month’s worth of heart monitoring to make sure the palpitations and chest pain were simply from the anxiety. I have also seen an OB-GYN and have been officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This has long been suspected, but this time all my labs and ultrasounds were very obvious. I go in next week for a uterine biopsy to rule out anything else, and then we will begin treating the PCOS. For those who do not know much about PCOS, there is still the possibility to conceive, it just means that my ovaries produce very small cysts each month because of some hormone imbalances. It is not fully understood, so Docs treat individual symptoms instead of a larger cause.

Phew!! I got all that medical stuff out of the way! Let’s be honest, that stuff is boring, and not my favorite topic. The real reason I share all that is because there is so much more I want to share about the journey! So if you will indulge me for awhile, this blog is going to become the place for words and thought about the place of suffering in a believers life… and more specifically in my life! God does not do things by accident, and while the Doc might say that this is just something biologically wrong with me, I know that it is no less than the very fingerprint of my Lord. I am thankful for it.

I have been through trials, some small and temporary, others lasting a bit longer, but this one surpasses them all. I will use this chance to introduce some amazing poetry that I have found that the Holy Spirit has really used to minister to my soul. I hope u enjoy it as much as I have. This one is inspired from Ezek.34:26 “I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing.”

“The landscape, brown and sere beneath the sun,
Needs but the cloud to lift it into life;
The dews may damp the leaves of tree and flower,
But it requires the cloud-distilled shower
To bring rich verdure to the lifeless life.

“Ah, how like this, the landscape of a life:
Dews of trial fall like incense, rich and sweet;
But bearing little in the crystal tray-
Like nymphs of night, dews lift at break of day
And transient impress leave, like lips that meet.

“But clouds of trials, bearing burdens rare,
Leave in the soul, a moisture settled deep:
Life kindles by the magic law of God;
And where before the thirsty camel trod,
There richest beauties to life’s landscape leap.

Then read thou in each cloud that comes to thee
The words of Paul, in letters large and clear:
So shall those clouds thy soul with blessing feed,
And with a constant trust as thou dost read,
All things work together work for good. Fret not, nor fear!”
-Mrs. Charles Cowman

George Matheson wrote:
“Thou, O Lord, canst transform my thorn into a flower, and I want my thorn transformed into a flower. Job got the sunshine after the rain, but has the rain been all waste? Job wants to know, I want to know, if the shower had nothing to do with the shining. And thou canst tell me- Thy Cross can tell me. Thou hast crowned Thy sorrow. Be this my crown, O Lord. I only triumph in Thee when I have learned the radiance of the rain."

For all of you who actually read this blog, Love you guys. Feel free to ask questions. I am up and about, feeling good most of the time, and taking time to know my savior more and more.
see u tomorrow :)
Teresa