Friday, May 28, 2010


Will and I have been blessed to be attending some marriage counseling for the past 6 weeks. Think of it as preventative maintenance as opposed to emergency intervention. One of the benefits of being on associate staff with the Navigators is access to their People Resource Team, or PRT for short. I think both Will and I would say that it is the highlight of our week because we always walk away challenged to know, serve, and love each other more like Christ. Our counselors, Dave and Jill, are a married couple who have helped us open up some new lines of communication during these very intense medical and spiritual circumstances.

In our last session we ended by praying only in thanksgivings. By spending time praising God for the things we are thankful for in our lives, without asking for anything from Him, it begins to become clear how much we are blessed.

That’s what I want to do today. Here is my prayer, will you join me in praising God for all the blessings in your own life?

Thank you Father for an amazing husband who loves me, who has been on this journey with me every step of the way, a son to brighten my day, for his handsome smile, and loving kisses, my mom for talking to me on the phone nearly every day and my dad for sharing some real spiritual conversations, for neighbors who are willing to just hang out, for the miracle of my new niece to be born in the next few weeks, for medicine that keeps me stabilized, for income that allows me to stay home each day, for Will getting a break from work today, for Will’s time in prayer yesterday, for my time in the wilderness, for the beauty of the mountains out my windows, for the lessons the Lord has been teaching me daily, for delight in the truth of God’s Word, for the blessing of not knowing what comes next, for the doctors who are treating me, for the PRT team and their great wealth of godly wisdom that they share with us, For the examples of others we have seen in times of suffering while here in Colorado, That my Lord is in control and that this process is for my good, for the friendship of Vern and Janell, for nearly 5 years of marriage, for provision to give to the ApParent project, that we can approach the Lord in prayer, that prayer is pure delight, for all these things, and more I say Thank you Father! Amen.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Wit's End

This poem exemplifies how I have felt lately. It is taken from Psalm 107:27,28 “At their wit’s end they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He bringeth them out.”

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is just where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner,”
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it
You cannot endure the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at “Wit’s End Corner”?
Your work before you spread,
All lying before you, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember- at “Wit’s End Corner”
The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at “Wit’s end Corner”?
Then you’re just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who faileth not.
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at “Wit’s End Corner”
Is the “God who is able” proved.
-Antoinette Wilson

I started my hormonal birth control pill every night to try to control the hormonal imbalances from the polycystic ovary syndrome, and in hopes that it would relieve some of the headache. I have been on them for about a week now. My headaches might be lightening up slightly, but it is hard to tell. Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, my body has reacted negatively to the extra dose of hormones. In fact it feels like I am in the first trimester of pregnancy (but there is absolutely no way I am pregnant!). I find myself nauseated all day long. My stomach cramps up just like it did when I was pregnant with Caleb. I am falling asleep all over the place. We are praying that my body will adjust, because I really need to stay on these pills for at least one cycle to see if my headache is hormonally related.

So, you can see why I feel like I am at my Wit’s end. I have a throbbing headache all day, I am nauseous all day, I am often falling asleep at the wrong times, I still have odd anxiety related symptoms like light chest pains and trembling hands and lips, and I think I am developing TMJ. I am on Vicodin half the day so I cannot drive myself anywhere, and I have mood swings that we are unable to pinpoint the cause of because it could be side effects of about 5 medicines, or brain chemistry, or hormones.

I posted the poem first today before the medical update, because it is really important for me right now to keep perspective. As I read through the psalms I am daily confronted with David’s full reliance on God despite circumstance. I might be at Wit’s End, but I will rely on God. My circumstances do not change the Truth of God’s word or my confidence, hope, or trust in God’s deliverance and salvation of His people.

That being said, please pray for God’s greatest Glory to be shown through my life, and my family’s, even in the midst these crazy circumstances.

All my love

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Well it has been a little while since my last post. I have been doing a lot of talking with God lately. There are many things I would like to share here, and too little space, and I am sure, a lot of it is just too much info for a lot of you!

So let’s start here… My headaches persist. If possible they are even worst. I am still convinced that the medical and the spiritual are connected here. That is not to say that I will have this headache until God is done with whatever he is doing or vice versa, but there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord is ultimately in control of this headache. I will see a neurologist on June 1st.

A Verse was pointed out to me the other day by our friend Mike. The more I read it and meditate on it the more it applies to me. It is found in Hosea 2:14-15 “Therefore, behold, I(God) will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Troubling to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth…”

How Beautiful! The Lord has brought me into the wilderness of this sickness. I am unable to listen to or be distracted by the things of life that usually keep me from listening to Him. And he has spoken softly to me day to day about the deep issues and longings of my heart. He has provided healing and freedom, and we are just now venturing into some other areas to do the same. It is often painful for me to see the state of my own heart, but there is the Lord alluring me back to Him with the beauty of His grace and never a harsh word. I am so thankful to be in the wilderness, I hope and pray that all my dear friends will have a time where the Lord brings them here as well. It is not comfortable, but it is beyond compare to anything else I have experienced with my savior. It is sweet, even if it is painful.

One of the devotionals lately was speaking of the necessity of cloudy days. They water the ground below, and without them the land would be barren. In a believers life we often moan and cry when the clouds come, when the gray days of mundane activities, or some sort of trial or suffering come our way. I thought it was rather cute that the author comments, “If only we could see the cloud from the other side”. The original print date of the devotional was 1925, so there is a good chance that perhaps she never had seen the clouds from the other side! But her point holds, they reflect all the sun, all the glory back into the heavens. If we can see our cloudy days from the throne room of heaven we would see beauty! I stopped to think about this for awhile, and how exactly God would see beauty in my situation. My day consists of getting up and popping a handful of pills, doing a quiet time, feeding my son, spending the next 4 hours on the couch while my son plays, feeding lunch and taking more pills, more couch time, making dinner, more pills, bedtime. Not very glamorous! The meds keep me from driving anywhere and the headache keeps me from reading for any period longer than an hour. So where is the beauty?

I know where it is, and Will reminded me, and the Lord reminded and our friend Mike reminded me… it is not in my circumstance, it is the posture of my heart. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that my will is not my own. This is big, because I would have said it before and thought I meant it, but I was holding on to many things. Remember Jesus in the Garden before the guards came to arrest Him? He prayed to the His Father “If it is possible, let this cup pass away from Me; nevertheless not what I will [not what I desire], but as You will and desire.”Matt 26:39 This is Beauty!!! I am not the son of God OBVIOUSLY! And my little trial and suffering is no where near the magnitude of salvation for believers!!!!! But, my pray these days has become, “Lord if there is any possible way to do this without the pain of the headache and still have your greatest glory then let’s do that; but above all else I want your greatest glory to be shown, and if that means a headache for the rest of my earthly life then I’ll take it!” That’s the beauty of the other side of the clouds!

I WILL delight in my Lord all the days of my life, despite pain and hard circumstance, because I know I can trust Him, and I know he will change my valley of trouble to a door of hope and expectation. I used to study His word for hours a week (and when I would tell people that I would have a little prickly of pride inside) but it had become an idol, these past months He has torn it down stone by stone, and I now delight in His word morning after morning. What a difference! I am forever changed by my time in the wilderness, and we are not done yet! I would follow my savior to the ends of the earth, not out of duty or obedience, but out of delight because HE has my heart.

All my Love