Well it has been a little while since my last post. I have been doing a lot of talking with God lately. There are many things I would like to share here, and too little space, and I am sure, a lot of it is just too much info for a lot of you!
So let’s start here… My headaches persist. If possible they are even worst. I am still convinced that the medical and the spiritual are connected here. That is not to say that I will have this headache until God is done with whatever he is doing or vice versa, but there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord is ultimately in control of this headache. I will see a neurologist on June 1st.
A Verse was pointed out to me the other day by our friend Mike. The more I read it and meditate on it the more it applies to me. It is found in Hosea 2:14-15 “Therefore, behold, I(God) will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Troubling to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth…”
How Beautiful! The Lord has brought me into the wilderness of this sickness. I am unable to listen to or be distracted by the things of life that usually keep me from listening to Him. And he has spoken softly to me day to day about the deep issues and longings of my heart. He has provided healing and freedom, and we are just now venturing into some other areas to do the same. It is often painful for me to see the state of my own heart, but there is the Lord alluring me back to Him with the beauty of His grace and never a harsh word. I am so thankful to be in the wilderness, I hope and pray that all my dear friends will have a time where the Lord brings them here as well. It is not comfortable, but it is beyond compare to anything else I have experienced with my savior. It is sweet, even if it is painful.
One of the devotionals lately was speaking of the necessity of cloudy days. They water the ground below, and without them the land would be barren. In a believers life we often moan and cry when the clouds come, when the gray days of mundane activities, or some sort of trial or suffering come our way. I thought it was rather cute that the author comments, “If only we could see the cloud from the other side”. The original print date of the devotional was 1925, so there is a good chance that perhaps she never had seen the clouds from the other side! But her point holds, they reflect all the sun, all the glory back into the heavens. If we can see our cloudy days from the throne room of heaven we would see beauty! I stopped to think about this for awhile, and how exactly God would see beauty in my situation. My day consists of getting up and popping a handful of pills, doing a quiet time, feeding my son, spending the next 4 hours on the couch while my son plays, feeding lunch and taking more pills, more couch time, making dinner, more pills, bedtime. Not very glamorous! The meds keep me from driving anywhere and the headache keeps me from reading for any period longer than an hour. So where is the beauty?
I know where it is, and Will reminded me, and the Lord reminded and our friend Mike reminded me… it is not in my circumstance, it is the posture of my heart. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that my will is not my own. This is big, because I would have said it before and thought I meant it, but I was holding on to many things. Remember Jesus in the Garden before the guards came to arrest Him? He prayed to the His Father “If it is possible, let this cup pass away from Me; nevertheless not what I will [not what I desire], but as You will and desire.”Matt 26:39 This is Beauty!!! I am not the son of God OBVIOUSLY! And my little trial and suffering is no where near the magnitude of salvation for believers!!!!! But, my pray these days has become, “Lord if there is any possible way to do this without the pain of the headache and still have your greatest glory then let’s do that; but above all else I want your greatest glory to be shown, and if that means a headache for the rest of my earthly life then I’ll take it!” That’s the beauty of the other side of the clouds!
I WILL delight in my Lord all the days of my life, despite pain and hard circumstance, because I know I can trust Him, and I know he will change my valley of trouble to a door of hope and expectation. I used to study His word for hours a week (and when I would tell people that I would have a little prickly of pride inside) but it had become an idol, these past months He has torn it down stone by stone, and I now delight in His word morning after morning. What a difference! I am forever changed by my time in the wilderness, and we are not done yet! I would follow my savior to the ends of the earth, not out of duty or obedience, but out of delight because HE has my heart.
All my Love