Surrender

So sorry it has been a few days since my last post! I had great intentions of writing out more of what God has been doing, but as usual, life caught up with me, and I did not have the occasion to really give it the time it deserves. To make up for it I added a pic of my handsome son :)

So the second main theme I have been chewing on lately has to do with “Surrender”. As I have walked this desert path, it really has been impossible not to surrender certain areas of my life. I simply cannot fix my own medical problems! But there is so much more to surrender. There was this great poem reprinted in “Intimacy with the Almighty” that sums up my spiritual state of surrender before this season of suffering. I’ll warn you, the author is really truthful… and I am being really transparent when I share this. Do you see yourself in any of this?

When thou wouldst guide me
I control myself.
When thou wouldst be sovereign
I rule myself.
When thou wouldst take care of me
I suffice myself.
When I should depend on thy providing
I supply myself.
When I should submit to thy providence
I follow my will.
When I should study, honour, trust thee,
I serve myself;
I fault and correct thy laws
To suit myself,
Instead of thee
I look to man’s approbation,
and am by nature an idolater.
Lord, it is my chief design to bring my heart back to Thee.
-“The Valley of Vision” collection of Puritan Prayers

Perhaps, like me, you have gotten away with many years of partial surrender, often unaware that there are areas that need to be brought before the savior. I was shocked by the deep recesses of my heart that were gripped with fear when the all these medical things began happening. Had I been fully surrendered fear would not have been my first (and long lasting) reaction. Instead of responding out of the flesh I would have reacted in line with the Holy Spirit.

In the same day I read the following from “Intimacy with the Almighty” as well as the first few chapters from Luke (I have been set up shop in the Gospels for the rest of the year). Compare the following:

Here is how the world/the flesh responds to the call to surrender

Surrender your rights. “Are you kidding me? I’ll sue!”
Surrender your future. “No way. My mind’s made up!”
Surrender your will. “Not me. I give in to no one!”
Surrender your dreams. “Never. I’ve worked too hard!”
Surrender to your spouse. “Me? Get a life!”
Surrender your finances. “What? I’m planning to retire!”

Here is how Mary responds when the Angel appears to her and announces that she will conceive by the Holy Spirit and give birth to the Savior:

“Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me as you have been said.” 1:38

Up to this point, Mary has no clue what will happen to her future other than she will carry a baby. What about her fiancé? What about the custom of stoning women who get pregnant out of wedlock? Mary’s only response was that she would be a handmaiden for the Lord. She was willing to surrender everything because she knew she could trust the Lord with her future even if she did not know what it held!

I want to be a handmaiden of the Lord, for physical or spiritual children for the kingdom of God. I do not want to be one of those people who make excuses, out of the flesh, so that I do not surrender my everything. Do you trust the Lord enough to surrender? Or in the back of your mind do you hold on to an excuse from above? If so, ask the Lord to reveal to you when you first began to not trust Him. I had to do this myself the other day. I was challenged by a friend to get to the root of mistrust. The Lord quickly took me back to a memory from middle-school. I had prayed for something, and felt that it was not answered (in retrospect it was answered). But that feeling that I could not trust the Lord to answer certain types of prayers had stuck with me. As I walk through memory lane I can identify this mistrust of the Lord in nearly every stage of my life. The longer the mistrust went un-dealt with, the more it snowballed into more areas of my relationship with God. (It is important to note that identifying areas like this tend to come when we come in stillness and silence before the Lord as I spoke of in the last post.) Once the Holy Spirit had shown me the root of my sin I was able to repent of that sin and claim the promises of scripture that God is faithful to provide for his children and to answer our prayers. Only then could I fully say to the Lord…. I want to be your Handmaiden… I want to surrender completely because I trust you completely.

I have a few more thoughts on the subject, but again I’m running long, so I will try to write again another day.
All my love
T